Sierra – Part Two
Disclaimer: The following article mentions the topic of suicide or other sensitive subjects, which may trigger negative thoughts and feelings for those currently suffering or still recovering from a mental or mood disorder. Reader discretion is advised.
Let’s just say senior year was not the “best year of high school” for me. It was a battle at the warfront. I literally cried every single day because I did not know what to do. Every day felt like the worst day of my life. The first week of senior year was my 18th birthday. I woke up that morning surrounded with love, but felt so alone. The first thing I did when I woke up was cry. I asked myself how I could let this happen. How could I be here still. On a birthday that should’ve been exciting and happy, it was actually one of the most emotional days I’ve had. I didn’t want any of the attention, all I wanted was to hide. Looking back, it makes me really sad that I didn’t let anyone know how hurt I was feeling. I know now that if I would’ve let someone in, my birthday could’ve been a lot better.
Even though it felt like I could not get past the day, day after day I continued. There was this crushing weight that I had to have everything figured out and if I didn’t then I would automatically fail at what everyone calls life. But, I’ve learned that the only thing you have to have figured out is the minute – the second – that you are in.
At one point early on senior year, I got to a low point. I couldn’t keep track of what day it was or even what class I was walking to. I was completely disconnected from everything and just felt like I was floating through. I felt useless, forgotten, stupid, and just so unbelievably tired. I felt like a problem, like a burden in everyone’s life. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to ask for help because I didn’t want to be “that person.” I tried to ignore it, and tell myself that I was fine, when I wasn’t. That month and a few other times I had a close call with almost attempting to take my life. But I pulled through, following my safety plan. I wish I could say that I followed my safety plan every time I ended up in those situations. But I am coming from a place of growth when I say I did not follow my safety plan every time. I attempted to overdose twice within a one month span. The second time I ended up in the ICU and was devastated. I’ll be honest – I was so upset that it didn’t work again. All I wanted was to not be a problem to everyone. All I wanted was to not feel like I did. I had so many emotions stuffed inside me that I can’t even begin to describe what they were. All I knew was that I was in pain and I felt like it would never be over. I thought those feelings would never end.
After my stay in the ICU, I was admitted to a behavioral hospital where I spent 10 days. That stay was honestly one of the best things to happen. I am so grateful I went and I would go back if I had to. They helped me understand so much more and the overall experience was a really positive one for me. Please don’t be afraid to reach out. Please get help if you even think that you may need it. It’s so much better to be safe. Please get help even if you’re afraid of the unknown that comes with it. It’s 100% worth it to get help. It’s 100% possible for things to improve. If you’re reading this and are in a similar boat – know how strong you are for being where you’re at. Literally, it takes so much strength to keep fighting a battle like this. You have the strength to survive what you’re going through.
While battling my war with suicidal ideation and my attempts, I also struggle with an eating disorder. If I’ve learned anything from this struggle it’s that you are not your disorder. And that goes for any disorder or setback that you have. You are an individual so unique, talented, and special that you can not be summed up with a label. I’ve also learned that you have the strength to battle whatever demon or war that comes in your path. Beautiful, strong humans – we are made to overcome. We’re made to learn and grow and experience life. And I know life sucks sometimes. But life is so worth it. Getting through depression and anything with suicide is hard. Getting through anything dealing with mental health (and even physical health) is hard! And it can take time, but I can’t say enough that fighting through it is worth it. Getting help is worth it.
In my last letter I said I didn’t want to call myself a survivor. Through this time I’ve learned that you are a survivor at any stage of the battle. Just starting a battle – survivor. In the darkest part of your battle – survivor. At the warfront – survivor. Finishing your battle – survivor. Past your battle – survivor. No matter where you are at, don’t discredit yourself. You are a survivor. You got this.